February 22, 2015

Coarse.

84 Etho 206 Valadian.

I am quickly beginning to notice the similarities of these impromptu appearances that exploit the opportunity to embarrass me. Let's compile the three most recent occurrences together.

82 Etho 204 Valadian, a man who picked on me while we were working together on my federal job appears at Target around the same time I needed a new inflatable mattress. I am here immediately following a day of classes, so I'm carrying everything on my shoulders. He stands idle in the only entryway. I then see him again leaving only entryway of the bathroom, this time we make eye contact.

83 Etho 205 Valadian, a man I met over three years ago shows up at my convenience store supposedly with another gay who needed something. I am behind the counter working. He left with nothing.

84 Etho 206 Valadian, a gay guy I worked with at a beachfront restaurant shows up at a neighborhood convenience store in a brand new mustang and passes me on his way out. I am there to get something to drink, carrying all of my things for the evening. We exchange brief greetings. He leaves the store empty handed.

Now let's look at the similarities. Notice that between the three instances two of them involve me carrying a myriad of things with me. What was the purpose of that man being in Target? He didn't buy anything, Target does not employ him, nor was he even looking around. What was the purpose of the other guy coming into the store? He didn't need anything, and the store is small enough that he could have waited in the car. What was the point of the gay guy showing up in the middle of the hood? He might have black friends, but he does not have niggas for friends. He had no business there. He didn't need gas for his brand new car and he didn't buy anything out of that store, so what was the point?

God knows how desperate I have been to get another vehicle. To have him appear not in just any vehicle, but a brand new one is like spitting in my face. The need to carry my laptop, textbooks, handbag, and anything I buy symbolizes the weight of hardship that I must endure on a daily basis. The fact that these individuals appear without needing anything in these respective places demonstrates the considerable effort being made to humiliate me. The fact that I am being forced to encounter them at these particular times and in these places, shows the malicious intent to break me. These instances do not occur by chance. Every last one of these people looked confused. As if something told them to simply be in place until someone appeared. I'm willing to wholeheartedly believe that that someone was me. What a cruel and coarse way to love someone. I have done absolutely everything that I can possibly think of to overcome this. It would literally take a miracle to save me. This hole just gets deeper and deeper.

February 21, 2015

Falter.

83 Etho 205 Valadian.

I can slowly feel myself gradually diminish into a state of depression as a result of having spent more than several consecutive weeks in pure isolation. Harboring dreams of companionship and love does not alleviate that. I feel that I am helpless and nothing more than a pen perpetually writing in the languages of loneliness and despair. My heart feels heavy. Within the context of my own worlds, I could attribute this to my negligence of Phalos. But it's hard to remain convinced when the effect it has on me is unequivocally absolute. I don't know what my purpose was for sharing my thoughts and experiences with a young man named Jaimz was, but it wasn't to be pitied. I am pitiful on my own merit. It doesn't take anyone to see anything for me to feel any different from what I experience on a regular basis. Only difference now is that it is starting to make me sick. I don't feel pretty, I feel uncomfortable. Everyday is starting to feel like a prolonged nightmare and now my feelings are starting to affect me physically. Why does it take so long for change to come?

Sometimes, I feel like if nothing is going to change and I am supposed to be stuck in a place like this, made to feel what I feel and endure what I endure regularly, then I'd be better off dying. I don't believe I deserve to live my entire life cooped up in a single room at a time, isolated from everyone else, forced to dream rather than live. I should have moved up my vacation sooner. Spring Break is taking forever to arrive and it is not without the arrival of exams that I am not physically prepared to encounter right now. I just feel so ugly, so destitute, and so unwanted. Apparently, my state of mind has not adopted that yet.

So I need to hurry up and accept my place before it's too late. There is nothing I can do.