December 9, 2014

Corner.

8 Etho 99 Valadian

My life has always been full of brutal limitations and harsh commentary. Between the numerous loose men with little or no regard for sentiment, much less discretion and geniality, and yet another message itemizing the reasons why my life is a sin, I am becoming more and more equipped with supporting reasons for my current life of isolation in perpetual darkness. For a while, I had actually become accepting of my place - standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else laugh, live, and love from the watery windows of my ever growing world of possibility. Though I might not physically show it, the stormy oceans of several worlds represent the ever flowing tears the heart cried over the course of eight-Earth years (3,386 actual years among them). The passion that once proliferated in my heart has now been dimmed to a mere glow and in the reality of my existence, what little had been my reprieve, I can no longer afford to do.

There are many things I cannot afford to do. Like breathe. To breathe, I must eat, drink, and have stable shelter. To simply do those things, I must work. To work, I must have reliable transportation. Unfortunately, in addition to not making enough money just to provide the basic necessities for myself, I also no longer possess the means to keep my vehicle. It's a gradual, downward spiral of suffering that knows no end. As many times as I tried to put the past behind me - all of the anguish, the mistakes I made, and the situations that drove me to leave the place that sustained my well-being - the effects only seem permanent. Now I suppose that because I never did take my own life that day, life is now making an effort to not only gradually diminish my ability to survive, but ensure that each night on the job is a risk to my life. Being robbed at gunpoint. Belligerent street thugs lingering around the corner. My school schedule never seems to offer an opportunity to work elsewhere. But if I drop out of school... I will have a $40,000 debt to pay. And with no degree in hand, there is little prospect of finding work that will support me.

October 21, 2014

Push.

51 Gerra 51 Valadian.

Although things have gotten better since the last time I had written a post, I am now faced with another hardship just as pressing as the last- struggling to maintain what little I managed to get. Between the foolishness and mayhem from this new illiterate manager that I work under and the diminishing cushion of money I have left in my account, I am resorting to more situations I had never dealt with than ever before. I spend the entire day spooning peanut butter from a jar as a means of satisfying what at least two meals would have done because I don't have the money to eat on a regular basis. I praise God for that peanut butter, because not only am I able to temporarily satisfy my hunger during the prolonged periods that I endure without eating, but I honestly don't feel the need to eat afterward. But through much of this financial hardship of having to pick and choose which bills I am going to pay, when all of them need to paid in order for me to function normally, I am beginning to resort to other possible God-given talents for possible financial relief. As much as I sing in karaoke bars and on karaoke nights, and with excellent feedback- even from musically inclined patrons of these establishments, the least I could do is attempt to pursue a career as a singer.

I am praying desperately to be alleviated from the suffering I unknowingly inflicted upon myself. I am praying desperately to be alleviated from the suffering that I never deserved. Has it made me a stronger person? It has... for the most part. At this point, the punishment is no longer serving the purpose of teacher, but rather, inhibiting my ability to simply survive in a diminished state- indefinitely reduced to a state of living that I did not intend to endure. So there is a fire burning within my heart, a restlessness in my mind, filled with a heavy motivation to do something to stop my life from being a seemingly never-ending hardship. God, truly there must be a way to achieve the things I have always dreamed of... much sooner than later.