Vanish.

...like the morning dew. I can feel his emotions diminish gradually while my love remains constant. What have I not done to please him? Or could it be that perhaps I allowed him to become the focal point of the present life? Now he feels as if I've been neglecting him and feels as though I do not spend enough time with him on a daily basis. How could he feel this way? From the moment I revealed to him in truth, the love that I harbored deep inside my heart, I have done only what I believe is just and fair with respect to his schedule and career obligations. I can't understand what would make anyone justify feelings of neglect when it is the very emotion that led me toward feeling suicidal not too long ago. I just don't understand. All I want to do is love him.

Perhaps I am blind. Perhaps after seven years, four in pure isolation, I am still naive. Perhaps, if had I not indulged in the greatest desire of my heart, my life would not be on the brink of disarray. Now, I find myself deeply solemn, sorting through what mess love has made, and am now looking at living in isolation through this weekend to get things back the way they used to be. It is frustrating, because I want everything to work in harmony. Instead, I feel like I have to choose: To either embrace love and possibly compromise my own comfort, progression, and security, or to protect my progression and security, by allowing our relationship to vanish...

I don't think I could go on either way.

Relationship.

For the first time in my life, I am in a relationship. Such a phenomenon this is as it was almost unimaginable in every aspect throughout the years passed. The more that I am around him, the more that he grows on me, and the more that I cherish his presence in my life. It has become to the degree to which I am no longer capable of differentiating what happiness I feel because of him and what happiness I feel because the days of my life are getting better. He and I share many moments of intimacy throughout our days... missing one another and longing to be beside one another. Aspects of human existence that I once believed not to be attainable for someone like me. Yet he has shown me, that I am more than an otherworldly presence left to linger throughout a loveless earth. He shows me with each day and in every possible way, that he loves me. Just as I love him.

In addition, I am noticing the gradual changes in my physique. It is a slower process, but I am getting muscular. I have also done really well with hygiene. He tells me every night how good I smell and how cute I look. He holds me like I am worth holding, kisses me like I am worth kissing, and lays on my chest and cuddles with me like I am worth loving. Words cannot describe how much and how long I have waited to experience what I am finally receiving.